Nothing I’ve ever done for my parents is good enough.
They still call me an ungrateful liar. They are taking my car.
I did come home right after church last night.. I did…
They seriously fucking wonder why I hate living at home, and why I cut my self before… I am not perfect…I can’t keep trying to be what they want me to be.
Please pray.
So, despite all my months of bitching on here about Steffan not noticing me, we are an official couple of one week.
I’m still in literal shock, and awe that this is even reality.
My sister claims I slipped him an illegal love potion. Uff.
This is pretty great so far… and I am thinking to be quite honest, that this will be something major; if not the final relationship of my life. Something just… it feels right.
I’ve been rather remiss in school lately, which is quite odd for me, and I’m picking it back up soon; and by remiss, I mean I might have dropped to a ‘B’ on a test.
I’m still dealing with a few issues: my eating disorder has been more controlled lately, and I’ve not wanted to self mutilate much (though, the addictive side of it is always whispering), and I’m trying to bite my lip less.
Today is my friend adorable1291’s birthday! Tell her happy birthday! <3
I’m pretty much dating my history major now. Two history majors together was a great idea.
Just thought I’d let my loyal followers know.
Life is pretty damn grand.
Where Cupid shot me in the arse again. As we awkwardly laughed, waved, and made faces at each other, and between our late night talks on our thoughts on everything (especially that you were once depressed and suicidal ,so you understand!), I fell in love with you…
There. I said it.
Meh, I can’t spell it seems, but that’s all right.
Today was… empty. I’ve not heard from my angst causing boy today, and it feels…awful.
I think I’ll give in and be the first to text him for once in a while…
I almost feel like, if I just confessed this crap to his face, and explained.. the gut-wrenching awkwardness could end. But, then again, maybe not. Knowing my luck, he’d shove me away, and I’d lose a potentially amazing friend…
What to do, what to do…
I am so close to caving in entirely. I wish you all could understand what I am going through. I mean, not quite the angst, because we all bloody can feel that, but the pressure.
Not the pressure to be beautiful, thin, happy, etc. I’m already pretty much all of those things. Hell, this last year has been about my own self-acceptance and growth in my worth.
But, my parents/family/their friends lie in this seemingly negative medieval sphere. Everything I do, say, or ceate is judged. Every bloody thing has to be about trying to find a husband - they don’t mention love, happiness, personal success, etc. Just getting married.
Now, this is hardly fair in my opinon. I don’t want to be wed for purely the sake of being married. As I’ve stated… I want something that I cannot live without.
So far, as we’ve seen in my growth - I don’t have anyone or anything thus far that would truly wrench my heart in two to lose. Oh yes, it’d hurt like bollocks, but… with the tenseness of my home, I almost really can’t fathom truly hurting over anyone more than my sister permanently.
Nothing i do for my family is god enough, because I’m not engaged, I’m not married, etc. I’m not an adult/I don’t know what I’m speaking of, because I’m still at home, furthering my education for my own sake - my own love of learning.
And they seriously wonder why I prefer my books to people. I’m growing so apathetic to the world at points, I just ignore my phone or IM client. I’ve grown cynical, andd I hate it. I hate it SO much. I miss my love of eerything, my never-ending optimism. Now, it’s a ruse and sham because I’m so desperate to be that lovely enduring young woman.
However, I’m left with nothing but the remains of her, and a personality-less, awkward, uncaring hull.
I hate it, and I feel as if I’m stuck screaming; yet, no one hears me - sometimes I even wonder if they care. This curiosity of caring, is why I’ve always thrown myself head-first into relationships - I want to feel something, anything, I don’t care if it’s pain or joy; just something.
